She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
