So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
