Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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