Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
