I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
