I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
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The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
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I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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