i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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