You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
