Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
