I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
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My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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