If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
