We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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