He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
