I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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