Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
