I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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