Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
