dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
