When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
