I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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