My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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