I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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