DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
