I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
