just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
