He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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