I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize