Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
