Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
