i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
