Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Sorry about my life...
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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