oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
