so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
