JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
