He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
