Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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