wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
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I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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