Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Randomize
