Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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