cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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