Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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