Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
