Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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