Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
