I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
