Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
