I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
