capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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