Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
