Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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