I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
