how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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