U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
