Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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