Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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