Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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