he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Warsš
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
He was all āplease donāt bail because Iām missing work for thisā last night
Honey no, I need dick. Iām not going to bail
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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