Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
